And
now a word about Breakages, Limited. The title Breakages, Limited, was
suggested to me by the fate of that remarkable genius, the late Alfred Warwick
Gattie…. I consented to investigate the alleged great invention in person on
Gattie's promising to behave like a reasonable being during the process, a
promise which he redeemed with the greatest dignity, remaining silent whilst an
engineer explained his miracles to me, and contenting himself with the reading
of a brief statement shewing that the adoption of his plan would release from
industry enough men to utterly overwhelm the Central Empires with whom we were
then at war. I approached the
investigation very sceptically. Our
friend spoke of "the works." I
could not believe that Gattie had any works, except in his fervid
imagination. He mentioned "the
company." That was more credible: anyone may form a company; but that it
had any resources seemed to me doubtful.
However, I suffered myself to be taken to Battersea; and there, sure
enough, I found a workshop, duly labelled as the premises of The New Transport
Company, Limited, and spacious enough to accommodate a double railway line with
a platform. The affair was
unquestionably real, so far. The
platform was not provided with a station: its sole equipment was a table with a
row of buttons on it for making electrical contacts. Each line of railway had
on it a truck with a steel lid. The
practical part of the proceedings began by placing an armchair on the lid of
one of the trucks and seating me in it.
A brimming glass of water was then set at my feet. I could not imagine what I was expected to do
with the water or what was going to happen; and there was a suggestion of
electrocution about the chair which made me nervous. Gattie then sat down majestically at the
table on the platform with his hand hovering over the buttons. Intimating that the miracle would take place
when my truck passed the other truck, he asked me to choose whether it should
occur at the first passage or later, and to dictate the order in which it
should be repeated. I was by that time incapable of choosing; so I said the
sooner the better; and the two trucks started.
When the other truck had passed mine I found myself magically sitting on
it, chair and all, with the glass of water unspilled at my feet. The rest of the story is a tragi-comedy. When I said to Gattie apologetically (I felt
deeply guilty of having underrated him) that I had never known that he was an
engineer, and had taken him to be the usual amateur inventor with no
professional training, he told me that this was exactly what he was: just like
Sir Christopher Wren. He had been
concerned in an electric lighting business, and had been revolted by the
prodigious number of breakages of glass bulbs involved by the handling of the
crates in which they were packed for transport by rail and road. What was needed was a method of transferring
the crates from truck to truck, and from truck to road lorry, and from road
lorry to warehouse lift without shock, friction, or handling. Gattie, being, I suppose, by natural genius
an inventor though by mistaken vocation a playwright, solved the mechanical
problem without apparent difficulty, and offered his nation the means of
effecting an enormous saving of labor and smash. But instead of being received with open arms
as a social benefactor he found himself up against Breakages, Limited. The glass blowers whose employment was
threatened, the exploiters of the great industry of repairing our railway
trucks (every time a goods train is stopped a series of 150 violent collisions
is propagated from end to end of the train, as those who live within earshot
know to their cost), and the railway porters who dump the crates from truck to
platform and then hurl them into other trucks, shattering bulbs, battering
cans, and too often rupturing themselves in the process, saw in Gattie an enemy
of the human race, a wrecker of homes and a starver of innocent babes. He fought them undauntedly; but they were too
strong for him; and in due time his patents expired and he died almost
unrecognized, whilst Unknown Soldiers were being canonized throughout the
world. … The last time I saw him he called on me to unfold a new scheme of much
greater importance, as he declared, than his trucks. He was very interesting on that
occasion. He began by giving me a vivid
account of the pirates who used to infest the Thames below London Bridge before
the docks were built. He described how
the docks had come into existence not as wharves for loading and unloading but
as strongholds in which ships and their cargoes could be secure from
piracy. They are now, he declared, a
waste of fabulously valuable ground; and their work should be done in quite
another way. He then produced plans of a
pier to be built in the middle of the river, communicating directly by rail and
road with the shore and the great main lines.
The ships would come alongside the pier; and by a simple system of
hoists the contents of their holds would be lifted out and transferred (like
myself in the armchair) to railway trucks or motor lorries without being
touched by a human hand and therefore without risk of breakage. ….Gattie was not content to improve the
luggage arrangements of our railways: he would not listen to you if your mind
was not large enough to grasp the immediate necessity for a new central
clearing house in Farringdon Market, connected with the existing railways by a
system of new tubes. He was of course right;
and we have already lost by sticking to our old ways more than the gigantic sum
his scheme would have cost. But neither
the money nor the enterprise was available just then, with the war on our
hands. The Clearing House, like the
Thames pier, remains on paper; and Gattie is in his grave.
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