47 Ronin

Really terrible movies that I go to in the full awareness that they're going to be terrible, why do I never learn, 1001 in a series, 47 Ronin.

I think what swung it for me was that it cost 175 mill. Always fun watching money run away into the sand.

How many ronin were there? 
 They got some ronin together; then there was a trap where at least one person got killed; then Oishi says that there are 47 of them - but did that include Keanu Reeves?

What the devil was Keanu doing there?
Why did they shoehorn a charmless American (referred to as 'halfbreed', doesn't look it, looks as American as Keanu Reeves) into a Japanese classic? It's bad all the way down.
1) It implies that the 47 ronin story doesn't stand up on its own.
2) It stuffs up the value systems of both traditions. It shows seppuku, but has to justify it by more or less rational enlightenment arguments (doing it for the good of the common people, in the interests of justice, etc) ignoring the honour motive that was the whole justification for the Japanese. It praises the samurai's pride of ancestry, and then introduces lowly tracker Keanu as the love interest of daughter of the Lord of the Fief.
3) it's like putting Harpo Marx into Racine.
(4) It introduces a cascade of plot holes.

But at least we get to imagine the pitch meeting of all time.

It's this Japanese classic, samurais and swordfighting, everybody loves samurais!

How are you going to get the kids in?

We have Keanu!

He's not Japanese.

Yeah, he's a halfbreed american, raised by goblins, and all the samurai look down on him because he's lowly, but he's really cool!

Sounds a bit of a downer.

Yeah, but then the lord's daughter falls in love with him and he's this super fighter and when the samurai need him - they're ronin now - they all see how great Americans are and apologise to him for being so mean, it;s just like in Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer!

Well, if it ends on a high note....

It does! it does! the samurai are so impressed by Keanu's coolness that they all ask him to join in the big ceremony!

The wedding?

No, the seppuku scene where they all commit suicide in front of the shogun!

Wait, what?